Thursday, March 27, 2014

To attach or detach?

So, I know it has been several weeks since my last post, and while I have nothing medically to update, I thought I would give you an update on how I am feeling. For those of you who don't care, you'll want to read my next post. In two weeks, the couple will be flying to Kansas to attend the ultrasound appointment that is set up and to meet my OB and to discuss anything they want with her. We are going to also try to get a tour of the hospital so that the intended parents can see where they will be welcoming their newborn boy or girl!

I have to say, this pregnancy is very different in many ways, but the same in others. For example, the nausea was pretty much the same.While the nausea is gone for the most part and only returns when I haven't eaten enough or in too long, I have also discovered that this little French Baguette (as my best friend likes to call him or her), does not like Reuben sandwiches. I was craving them badly, and while I know that pregnant women are supposed to avoid lunch meats because of the preservatives and bacteria that can grow on them, I also know that they are safe when you warm it up and then proceed with your sandwich devouring. Well, I did that. I was feeling fine as I started to enjoy the sandwich, but when I got to the last bite, something hit me like a ton of bricks, and I knew the entirety of this glorious sandwich wasn't going to stay in my stomach. I was right, as I ran to the bathroom with the rest of my family still enjoying theirs, and tossed it all up! Ok, so no more of those for a while! I don't have a gallbladder anymore since it was removed 6 weeks after Brae was born, and I have found that there are certain things I cannot eat, especially during pregnancy. Lesson learned, will stay away from lunch meats until further notice!

There are other things that are different this time that my other two times. Most of it is mental, some physical. With both Brae and Kynlee, I knew very early in the pregnancy what each of their sex was. I knew at 7 weeks what Brae was, and at 9 weeks with Kynlee. The ultrasound appointments for both of them were just confirmation, instead of surprises for me! This time around, I have no earthly idea! Your guess is as good as mine, as it is in most cases! Mentally, I feel no attachment or desire of another of my own whatsoever. When I was early in the pregnancy and was doing all of the ultrasounds, I was in shock that they kept finding something in there! It was not registering like it did with my previous pregnancies. I still am when I go for check ups and they find a heart beat with the doppler. I have a friend who is a few weeks ahead of me in pregnancy and in talking with her, I have come to realize that although we are pregnant together, her and I are in different places mentally. She is preparing for the arrival of another child, and adding a new dynamic to her family, and I'm sitting over here, contemplating what my first move will be after this process is over. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to sound callous or detached from what is going on with me, but to some extent, I think I am. Besides the growing belly, and a reminder when I bend certain ways that there is in fact a human inside of me, I feel nothing. I didn't expect to feel this way. When I made this decision to do this, I knew that I would not feel attached or feel like I have some claim to the child but I didn't expect to feel so emotionally, and mentally detached. I feel small kicks, and while I'm glad that the pregnancy is progressing healthily and that baby is growing, it's not the same feeling as when I felt Brae and Kynlee moving inside. I'm not sure I am doing a great job at describing how I'm feeling, but hopefully you can try to understand. I am so excited for the intended parents and what their new arrival will mean for their family! Beyond excited for them, as I tear up just thinking about it. I will be so happy for them and cannot wait for them to experience parenthood with all of its ups and downs and everything in between.

On another note, I just signed Brae up for Kindergarten Round up. It is next friday, and while he is experiencing what it is going to be like in Kindergarten, Troy and I are going to meet the teachers and see his classroom, and get thrown a bunch of information and be able to ask lots of questions. I'm looking forward to it and I know that he is going to love it, but I am little worried about his transition. He will have been with me and only me for the last 5 years by the time school starts. He is my little boy and I am his mother and his person that he runs to when he is hurt or sad, or needs something. I have enjoyed being here for him, and I love the bond that we have. I am due two weeks after school starts. We have not told him that there is a baby in mommy's belly that is not his brother or sister, and I am honestly terrified of how he is going to handle the news. Is he going to cry and get mad, and demand another sibling? Is he not going to care at all? Will he even notice? He has pointed to Kynlee on a few occasions, and said: "Mom, I want another one of these." Umm, what?! I don't expect an almost five year old to understand that a baby in mommy's belly has no genetic relation to me or him whatsoever and so I am really praying that when the time comes, and it will be soon, that I have the right words for him to understand.

That's it for now. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me, as I'm an open book! Look for an update in the next two weeks with the results of the ultrasound! :)

Thanks for the reading!

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Hello Second Trimester

Alright, so it has been a few weeks since my last post, because there hasn't been that much to update you with.

I wanted to just address the OB situation one final time.  A friend of mine that reads my blog sent me a message after reading my last post about my OB not wanting to see me for prenatal care, and asked if she could include an excerpt from it in her next article that she writes for Mommyish. I told her I was happy to let her share my thoughts, but got to worrying a bit when some of the feedback on the article wasn't totally understanding.

For those of you wondering, I saw my old OB for my prenatal care with Kynlee. He was great, laid back, didn't get too worried or cause me to worry about anything. I mentioned to him while pregnant with Kynlee that I was planning to do surrogacy after her. He never said anything to me then. I saw him for my six week checkup after Kynlee and mentioned it again, and he never said anything to me then either. Fast forward, and when I was gathering all the paperwork that the agency needed, one of those papers was a letter from my OB stating that I was OK to carry another pregnancy. The agency even provided a letter drafted by their lawyers that stated that my OB would not be held liable for anything. He wouldn't sign it. I had to go to my family practitioner to have it signed who was very supportive and happy for me and what I was doing. He had an opportunity then to say something, and still did not. The nurses would not explain why he wouldn't sign it either. About a month ago, when I was cleared from the clinic in Connecticut and released to see my regular OB, I called them up and made an appointment. I was very clear when making my appointment and shared exactly what my situation was, and they scheduled the appointment for me. When I got to that lovely appointment with the nurse, they were waiting for my paperwork and were fully aware of my situation. Opportunity number five was when I was in his office planning to see him. He lacked the professionalism and kindness to come and talk to me himself. It left me speculating over what his real problem with it is, other than the fact that "he is Catholic and doesn't agree with what I'm doing."  At this point, I am over the situation and like I said before, he isn't worth my time if he is going to be like that. But I realized at my last OB appointment with the new OB, that while she is very nice, and understanding and supportive, it would have been nice to make my own decision on who I wanted to receive prenatal care from, instead of sort of being forced into it because of time constraints with testing that had to be done a week later. I'm over that as well, and while I'm hoping that the rest of this process goes smoothly, I am still left with a slight bad taste in my mouth regarding the whole situation. For the first time during this whole process, after the nurse told me what the OB's feelings were, I felt like I was doing something wrong, or bad in some way. I quickly excused that thought from my mind, of course and am as excited about this process as ever!

So, I had the nuchal translucency exam done about a week and a half ago. It was a time sensitive test in that it has to be done between 11 and 13 weeks, and not a day over 13 weeks. It is an ultrasound, and a blood test. They are looking for the area between the spine and brain stem. There is a normal amount of fluid there, but if there is a lot of fluid there, it can be an indication of Down's syndrome or Trisomy 18. They want the level of fluid to be less than 3.5mm. When my ultrasound was done, the fluid amount was measured at 1.56mm! That was considered normal, but they couldn't give me a definite result until the blood test was done. So off I went to have blood drawn and the lab told me it would be a few days for the results.  Great, while I expected the wait, I just wanted to know the results so I could quit worrying about this and focus on the next milestone. The blood test was done on a Tuesday, and the lab told me it would be back by Friday. Well, Friday came and went, and I knew not to expect anything on the weekend, but when Monday came and went without a word, I was really starting to worry and was playing the "what if" game in my head. By tuesday morning, I called as soon as the clinic opened and asked about my results. They did not have them back from the lab yet, and were waiting just like I was. I asked if there was anything I could do to expedite the results, but was told no, and that they will contact the lab themselves and get the results hopefully by the end of the day. The intended parents were getting anxious as well (I don't blame them one bit), and so it was a very long day waiting for the phone to ring. When I hadn't heard anything by three, I called the clinic again, and spoke to the nurse. She said that the lab was confused with my age and the maternal age of the baby being different and so they had called to get a confirmation but still needed the lab supervisor to sign off on it. The nurse was hoping it would still be that day, but told me at the latest, we would have results the next day. About a half hour later, she called me back with the results! As she started talking, my mind started racing. What if this, and what if that!? She said the results were negative. For a second, I started thinking that she was giving me bad news, but then I remembered that we wanted the results to be negative!

She explained it to me this way: If they were to just take the maternal age of the fetus, they would give the baby a 1 in 44 chance of having Down's Syndrome or Trisomy 18. After the results of the blood test, and the results of the ultrasound, and her age put together, they gave the baby a 1 in 312 chance of Down's syndrome. For Trisomy 18, they gave the baby a 1 in 5,000 chance. Those chances are very low and are great results! The nurse explained to me that it isn't just 312 babies in general, it is 312 babies with the same fluid measurements and the same age range of the mother, and the same blood results. When you mix that with all babies, the chances are like half a percent! YAY!! Big sigh of relief for sure! For those of you that were praying, thank you and keep it up! The next milestone is the 20 week ultrasound! The intended parents are coming for this ultrasound and I am very excited for them to see the area and the hospital and to spend time with them!

I am 14 weeks, and 2 days, and the nausea is finally starting to fade away. I am still very tired all the time, but when I think about what my body is doing, I can't blame it for needing some rest! I am thankful to you readers and hope you stick around! I'm sure it will get much more interesting!