You're doing what?!

Hi Everybody,

First I want to say a big thank you for even reading this post, and for reading any of my previous posts about my surrogacy journeys. Your love, support, and prayers have been felt with all of them, and I am so thankful! I just re-read my last birth story, mostly because I wanted to update from where I left off, but it also brought me right back to that day. What a crazy experience it was, and even 8 months later, I am still processing it here and there. I should start this post with an update on what the last 6 months or so have looked like for me. 

My last post was written a few days after the birth, and then I wrote that post about what it feels like to be postpartum as a surrogate. I am happy to say I am not in that state of mind anymore, and am thankful that I won't have to be again! I did go to my six week check-up, and the doctor said that my uterus, and area were healing up nicely, and that I could resume normal exercise. I was thrilled to be told I could exercise again, but also worried, because something just didn't feel right, and felt different from my last four experiences before. I know that every recovery from a birth can be different, but I still felt like something was a little more off than normal. So after my check up, and the doctor's clearance, I went to see my chiropractor that had seen me during the pregnancy. Thank God for her! She helped me get through the awful carpal tunnel I had experienced for most of the pregnancy, and just overall made me feel better for a few days after I would see her. I asked her if she could recognize a hernia or diastasis recti (split in stomach muscles usually caused my a number of pregnancies, amongst other things). She said she could so she did a formal evaluation on my stomach. She said that she could see a small hernia next to my belly button, and then she started measuring the stomach muscles width apart. Her face was not good. Her eyes got big, and she said: "Oh you've definitely got one, and it is pretty significant". Great! What do I do about it? She said I could try physical therapy but in some cases, it doesn't help especially if the split is too large. Then she said that in some cases, the only true fix is sometimes surgery. Oh hey, that's great! Insert sarcasm here. She suggested I follow up with my OB, and so even though I had just seen her, I made another appointment to see my OB.

My appointment was a few days later with my OB, and she was able to confirm that I did have a small hernia, but it was definitely there and would need to be repaired, or it would get worse and cause major complications. I think the hernia developed at 22 weeks and 3 days with this last pregnancy. My belly button was extremely painful, I couldn't touch it, and even my shirt rubbing against it hurt tremendously. While she could confirm the split in the stomach muscles to be significant, she couldn't make an official diagnosis since it is mostly out of her scope of practice. She referred me to a general surgeon. I made an appt as soon as she had available while was a few weeks out. In the meantime, I started doing research on hernias and diastasis recti and their implications when you have them together. From what I could research, hernias are repaired by general surgeons and diastasis recti are repaired by plastic surgeons. More of this later in the post.

It came time to see my general surgeon and she was definitely able to confirm the diagnosis of a hernia, and also confirmed that if it did not get fixed, that I would have a higher likelihood of developing another hernia. I then started asking her questions about my diastasis and she said that I definitely had a pretty severe one and that I should consider fixing the diastasis at the same time as the hernia repair because if I didn't, I would have a higher risk of the hernia repair coming undone, or developing another hernia which would need to be repaired. Uh, no thank you to repeat hernia surgeries! So she referred me to a plastic surgeon here in our area, and was able to get an appointment with him a month away, so more research for me in the meantime!

When it came time for my plastic surgeon appt, I was able to go to that appointment knowing the questions to ask, what risks I could expect, and what happens if I do nothing to fix the diastasis recti. But terrified was an under statement when I walked into that room with the plastic surgeon. Not only do I have to get undressed and let him stare at my naked body, I had to listed to all of the things that can happen when you don't fix a severe diastasis recti. Nothing had really gotten better since giving birth, the hernia was painful, I had absolutely no core strength, I wasn't able to work out the way I needed to, and I couldn't even play or sit on the floor with my kids without being in pain, heck I couldn't even get out of bed without pain. I had to roll to my side, and push myself up with my arms because my core strength was gone. It.hurt.so.bad!

So on to the surgeries. The hernia repair is a hernia repair surgery, but the procedure to fix a severe diastasis recti is called an abdominoplasty (tummy tuck). Terrifying! I was only 5 months post baby, but nothing would fix the pain if I didn't do something. So, a hernia repair with abdominoplasty is what was in the cards for me. I had surgery on April 16th. Mini panic attacks for weeks leading up to surgery day, and more research to try to make sure I was making the right decision had led me to this day. We made arrangements for the kids, thankfully they were in school during the day, and my parents came to help out for the hours after school and bedtime. It is a major abdominal surgery, and the doctor suspected there would be a pretty large gap to repair with lots of stitches internally, and a very large incision from my hip to my hip. The last thing I remember before being put out was my nurse friend telling me it was going to be okay, and to try to relax. I woke up to the nurses talking at the foot of my bed, and a very swollen tummy. They called Troy from waiting room, and he helped me get dressed and in the car. I remember bits and pieces of the drive home, and I remember pulling into my driveway, and my dad greeting us at the door. The look on his face was horrifed! lol I imagine I looked pretty bad! I got into bed, and passed out as soon as the kids were able to say goodnight to me! The anesthesia was still decently working at that point, but by morning, it had completely worn off! I was hurting and hurting bad! I did have to get out of the door for my post op appt at the plastic surgeon's office, and so Troy and my mom came with to help me. I had filled my pain prescriptions ahead of time and boy am I glad I did. I don't typically like to take medication in general, unless I'm in pretty bad shape, but with this surgery, there wasn't even a question! They would make me pretty sleepy, and loopy, which was to be expected with that type of pain medicine. The first three weeks were extremely rough. The pain of my incision was very intense, and the drains that I had stayed in for two weeks, and my husband had to help me empty them. He is a saint for helping me through this, and also taking care of the kids, and everything that they and I needed. I did take about a week off of work, and returned the follow week after surgery. I did make myself wean off of my pain pills because there was no way I could have put a sentence together much less type that sentence out, so probably earlier than I should have, I made myself stop the meds cold turkey. I wouldn't say that was the best option, but I didn't see another one! I was able to work from my couch though, so it wasn't super uncomfortable unless I moved! lol 

So, I am now 3 months post surgery for hernia repair and tummy tuck. I just saw my plastic surgeon for a check up and he told me that my split in my stomach muscles was 10 inches apart. He had to stitch my stomach muscles back together using multiple packages of permanent sutures, and four layers of them. Had I not done anything to fix this repair, he said no amount of physical therapy or exercise or weight loss would have helped my situation. It did make me feel like I made the right decision in moving forward with the surgery. My incision is healing slowly, but he said it looks good, and that it will continue to heal with time. I am still pretty swollen throughout the day, some days more swollen than others. He said that is to expected still and that I can expect several more months of swelling. The worse the repair, the longer it takes to recover he said. He has released me to do some light working out, and so I have enjoyed being able to do something towards my health! The pain that I was experiencing after this birth has definitely gotten better, and so for that, I am thankful! This was certainly not the way I thought I would spend the first year after my last baby, and my last surrogacy. I would be dishonest if I said that it hasn't been extremely hard mentally and physically. Just processing some things since birth have been difficult, but I do think that it has made me a stronger person with a better understanding of who I am as a person. That being said, I wouldn't wish this surgery and its recovery on my worst enemy! :(

So, on to my news! After each one of my births, my keepers and surrogacies, I have felt this need to help other women who are going through the same thing. While it can be a small portion of our lives after baby, it is often the time that is engrained in our minds forever, and it is what we look back on when thinking about our babies and their first few weeks. I didn't have babies to take care of after my surrogacies, but going through my postpartum period, emotionally and physically has really been extremely difficult. I'm not saying this for sympathy, but to give a better understanding of where I am coming from! 

I still work for my agency as an Outreach Coordinator, and I absolutely still love my job! I am trying to advocate for our surrogates as well in their postpartum period as they navigate through life without the baby they have carried, and try to find their normal again! My birth doula has mentioned many times to me that she thinks I would be great at offering support to women, not just surrogates. What a coincidence, because I agree with her! I think I can now safely say that I have found my passion in life besides my children and husband. 

I have decided to start my own business as a postpartum doula! Did you know there was even such a thing? Me either! Last weekend, I completed my training as a postpartum doula! I am now ready to take clients, and help mothers in the unique way from the insight I have with my own children but also as a surrogate. I know first hand what a good night's sleep can do for our healing bodies, and state of mind! I am finishing up with designing my website, and then will officially launch hopefully by the end of next week! 

I'm sorry if some of you are disappointed that I am not announcing another surrogacy pregnancy! The oven rental has closed permanently! The door is locked tightly, and stuck in the off position! It is a weird feeling to put something so incredible behind me, but let's be real, I cannot push out babies indefinitely! Having these surgeries sure made me realize the toll that pregnancy can take on your body, and while I don't want it to define why I'm not going to be a surrogate again, I want it to be a reminder of what I have done to make difference in the lives of others. My intended parents and belly buddies are often on my mind, and seeing updates and pictures of where they are and how their parents are enjoying is brings me more joy that I can probably put into words! 

If you have gotten to this point in the blog, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! I am going to try to keep this blog going in some way, it just may take on a different form as I venture out into the world of being a postpartum doula! If you know of anyone that may benefit from this type of service, please keep me in mind! The name of my business is Sharing Journeys Doula, and I will post a link and invite to follow my business page once that is all done! 

Love you all, and thank you for following along on my journeys! It truly has been some of the most amazing experiences of my life! 

Sarah Harris 

Post partum life of a Surrogate

I wrote this about 6 weeks ago, now that some time has passed, I thought I would share!

I have been a surrogate three times. I am three weeks post-partum from my third and final surrogacy. I applied for my first journey when I was six months pregnant with my daughter, so it has been a large part of my life for the last 6 1/2 years. Aside from being a wife and mother to my two children, surrogacy has been my life for that time. This last journey was very hard on me physically, but it was also hard on me mentally. For a few reasons: this was my fifth pregnancy, and third surrogacy, and my body was just done being pregnant so I was very uncomfortable early on in the pregnancy and it just progressively got worse as I got further along. But the other factor that made it hard on me mentally was that I knew this was going to be my last journey. While I wanted it that way, and no one is saying I couldn't do another journey other than me, at some point I would have to be done, and I feel like three journeys is enough and I have made an impact on three different families that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

That being said, I'm done? Just like that? Something that has been a serious part of my life for the last 6 1/2 years is just over. No more excitement over getting an Intended Parent's profile. No more medical screening trips, or transfer trips, and time spent meeting the parents and getting to know them, and falling in love with the idea of them finally becoming parents. No more anticipation after the transfer, and relief and excitement, and worry when the pregnancy test is positive. No more blood draws and ultrasounds to check on the peanuts, no more happy reports to send to the parents. No more 20 weeks ultrasounds with the parents visiting, often the first time they've gotten to see their baby in person. No more huge anticipation of the big day, where these parents who have tried, longed, and cried thinking this day would never come. And just like, in what seems like the snap of two fingers, it's just over.

Please don't misunderstand where I am coming from. I am not sad I do not have the baby I carried. I am not depressed, nor do I have post partum depression. I am completely happy with my own family, with my children and husband, and the other things in life that I have found enjoyment and happiness in. I am also not an attention getter. I like to keep things to myself when I don't feel well, and only complain when it becomes too much for me, and I feel like I'm going to lose it if I don't say something! lol A surrogate pregnancy often times comes with a little more attention than a pregnancy where I was carrying my own child. I had a lot more appointments especially in the first trimester, than a regular pregnancy would have had. I was usually in constant contact with my IP's, keeping them updated with the latest, and being asked how I was doing, and feeling, and if I needed anything. And then just like that, it is over.

I don't know if I am making any sense! It's totally okay that it is over! I did what I set out to do. Three separate families have been made complete by my ability and willingness to carry their child. But still, it's just over? One day I'm pregnant, the next day I am not.

But....I still look pregnant. There is no one carrying a car seat to explain the way I look. I walk into a grocery store, or starbucks, or my kids' extra curricular activity, but don't they know I just delivered a baby? Yeah, I'm buying overnight, extra long pads because I'm recovering from pushing a baby out! Yep, my breasts are rock hard because my body thinks it just had a baby and needs to provide nourishment for him or her. Sure am walking slow, and am tiring out easily, it's a process and I am slowly recovering.

Was the birth of your children life changing and something you will never forget?  Yep, mine too! But what I have found out, especially after this third and final time, is that it's still life changing and unforgettable even when the baby we are carrying isn't ours. That part doesn't change! My body will eventually recover. I will once and for all, lose the baby weight, the swelling will go down, I will no longer look pregnant, and people won't be asking me when I'm due anymore. But then what?

So how to reconcile that? How do we got from having such an impact on people's lives and doing something so great and fulfilling and rewarding, to just being done? How do I make that okay in my head? How do I got about life and leave this chapter of it where it is? To be honest, I am finding it to be a struggle. I am sure the post-partum hormones don't help one bit! One minute I want to cry for no reason at all, and the other, I'm so happy and grateful for my life and the people I have in it, including the parents of the babies I have carried, it feels like cloud 9! My hormones will eventually settle down and go back to normal, but what will always stay with me are my three journeys. I learned a lot about myself in these journeys. I've had wonderful support around me from family and friends, and I have even gained family members that were once strangers to me, but because of the child they have that shared my body at one time, they will always be extra special to me.

Thanks for reading!