The results

Hi everyone! I'm sure a lot of you have been waiting for the results of my pregnancy test yesterday.

Had to go to the clinic in the morning and get blood drawn because at this point in pregnancy, it is too early to take a home pregnancy test. I don't know what it is with this clinic and their phlebotomists but they are NOT GOOD! I got poked 5 times before they finally found blood! Twice in one arm, once in the other arm, and once in each hand. The second hand is where they got the blood finally. Getting blood drawn is not pleasant no matter what, but getting it out of the hands hurts bad! The veins are really small there, and the needle is too big, and there isn't much padding to absorb some of the needle, so it was definitely not pleasant for me and I have the bruises to prove it. So anyway, they finally got the blood after almost an hour of trying and then I was on my way.

I took the kids to the park, tried to stay busy while the blood test was being processed and while I was waiting for the phone call from the clinic in Boston.

The results were negative.

That's right, negative.  It took the nurse that called, 20 seconds to change everything for me! Just like that, everything I have been working for, and enduring the needle pokes for, is over! The hope of giving a baby to someone that has been wanting for so long, over!

I cried my eyes out! I am so sad for the couple! This was their only chance to have a biological child. For them, this process is over. They will probably adopt, and they will make wonderful parents, but I couldn't help but wonder if they blame me a little bit. Other than a brief text message from the intended mother yesterday after they got the results themselves, I have not spoken with them. I'm sure they need time to process!

I feel responsible. Yesterday all I kept thinking was what if I hadn't cleaned the house yesterday, or what if I hadn't picked up Kynlee when she needed consoling, what if I hadn't kept busy, would the results have been different? There really is no way for me to know that, and everyone is telling me not to blame myself, but there is a little part of me that does.

Upon some research this morning, I discovered that the odds of an embryo actually attaching to the wall when there is only one implanted, is 43 percent. When there is more than one implanted, you have a better chance and the percentage goes up to 75 percent that at least one will take. The odds were stacked against me. That's how I'm choosing to look at it right now. Whether that is good or bad, blaming myself, and no amount of wishing things were different is going to change the situation.

So where do I go from here? Well, I have some choices. I have not accomplished what I set out to do which is to have a baby for someone. When I spoke to my contact at the agency, she said that in some cases, the intended parents change their minds and decide to go the donor egg route. In that case, I would get an embryo transferred from that donor egg which would be fertilized with the intended father's. That success rate isn't much more promising and having talked with the intended parents about this very situation, they expresses that adoption would be their best option.

That will then release me from our contract, and I will be free to carry for another couple. I will have to go back to the matching process and then another contract will be drawn up with the new intended parents and depending on their situation, will go through another round of medications, and do another transfer. Ideally, there would be more than one embryo to transfer, but we will see!

Everything right now is kind of hinging on what the intended parents want to do right now. Whether they will go the adoption route or the donor egg route is completely up to them and well within their rights. I will update as soon as I know further about what is going on with the next part of this journey!

Thanks!

Sarah