Thursday, March 27, 2014

To attach or detach?

So, I know it has been several weeks since my last post, and while I have nothing medically to update, I thought I would give you an update on how I am feeling. For those of you who don't care, you'll want to read my next post. In two weeks, the couple will be flying to Kansas to attend the ultrasound appointment that is set up and to meet my OB and to discuss anything they want with her. We are going to also try to get a tour of the hospital so that the intended parents can see where they will be welcoming their newborn boy or girl!

I have to say, this pregnancy is very different in many ways, but the same in others. For example, the nausea was pretty much the same.While the nausea is gone for the most part and only returns when I haven't eaten enough or in too long, I have also discovered that this little French Baguette (as my best friend likes to call him or her), does not like Reuben sandwiches. I was craving them badly, and while I know that pregnant women are supposed to avoid lunch meats because of the preservatives and bacteria that can grow on them, I also know that they are safe when you warm it up and then proceed with your sandwich devouring. Well, I did that. I was feeling fine as I started to enjoy the sandwich, but when I got to the last bite, something hit me like a ton of bricks, and I knew the entirety of this glorious sandwich wasn't going to stay in my stomach. I was right, as I ran to the bathroom with the rest of my family still enjoying theirs, and tossed it all up! Ok, so no more of those for a while! I don't have a gallbladder anymore since it was removed 6 weeks after Brae was born, and I have found that there are certain things I cannot eat, especially during pregnancy. Lesson learned, will stay away from lunch meats until further notice!

There are other things that are different this time that my other two times. Most of it is mental, some physical. With both Brae and Kynlee, I knew very early in the pregnancy what each of their sex was. I knew at 7 weeks what Brae was, and at 9 weeks with Kynlee. The ultrasound appointments for both of them were just confirmation, instead of surprises for me! This time around, I have no earthly idea! Your guess is as good as mine, as it is in most cases! Mentally, I feel no attachment or desire of another of my own whatsoever. When I was early in the pregnancy and was doing all of the ultrasounds, I was in shock that they kept finding something in there! It was not registering like it did with my previous pregnancies. I still am when I go for check ups and they find a heart beat with the doppler. I have a friend who is a few weeks ahead of me in pregnancy and in talking with her, I have come to realize that although we are pregnant together, her and I are in different places mentally. She is preparing for the arrival of another child, and adding a new dynamic to her family, and I'm sitting over here, contemplating what my first move will be after this process is over. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to sound callous or detached from what is going on with me, but to some extent, I think I am. Besides the growing belly, and a reminder when I bend certain ways that there is in fact a human inside of me, I feel nothing. I didn't expect to feel this way. When I made this decision to do this, I knew that I would not feel attached or feel like I have some claim to the child but I didn't expect to feel so emotionally, and mentally detached. I feel small kicks, and while I'm glad that the pregnancy is progressing healthily and that baby is growing, it's not the same feeling as when I felt Brae and Kynlee moving inside. I'm not sure I am doing a great job at describing how I'm feeling, but hopefully you can try to understand. I am so excited for the intended parents and what their new arrival will mean for their family! Beyond excited for them, as I tear up just thinking about it. I will be so happy for them and cannot wait for them to experience parenthood with all of its ups and downs and everything in between.

On another note, I just signed Brae up for Kindergarten Round up. It is next friday, and while he is experiencing what it is going to be like in Kindergarten, Troy and I are going to meet the teachers and see his classroom, and get thrown a bunch of information and be able to ask lots of questions. I'm looking forward to it and I know that he is going to love it, but I am little worried about his transition. He will have been with me and only me for the last 5 years by the time school starts. He is my little boy and I am his mother and his person that he runs to when he is hurt or sad, or needs something. I have enjoyed being here for him, and I love the bond that we have. I am due two weeks after school starts. We have not told him that there is a baby in mommy's belly that is not his brother or sister, and I am honestly terrified of how he is going to handle the news. Is he going to cry and get mad, and demand another sibling? Is he not going to care at all? Will he even notice? He has pointed to Kynlee on a few occasions, and said: "Mom, I want another one of these." Umm, what?! I don't expect an almost five year old to understand that a baby in mommy's belly has no genetic relation to me or him whatsoever and so I am really praying that when the time comes, and it will be soon, that I have the right words for him to understand.

That's it for now. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me, as I'm an open book! Look for an update in the next two weeks with the results of the ultrasound! :)

Thanks for the reading!

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