Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Post partum life of a Surrogate

I wrote this about 6 weeks ago, now that some time has passed, I thought I would share!

I have been a surrogate three times. I am three weeks post-partum from my third and final surrogacy. I applied for my first journey when I was six months pregnant with my daughter, so it has been a large part of my life for the last 6 1/2 years. Aside from being a wife and mother to my two children, surrogacy has been my life for that time. This last journey was very hard on me physically, but it was also hard on me mentally. For a few reasons: this was my fifth pregnancy, and third surrogacy, and my body was just done being pregnant so I was very uncomfortable early on in the pregnancy and it just progressively got worse as I got further along. But the other factor that made it hard on me mentally was that I knew this was going to be my last journey. While I wanted it that way, and no one is saying I couldn't do another journey other than me, at some point I would have to be done, and I feel like three journeys is enough and I have made an impact on three different families that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

That being said, I'm done? Just like that? Something that has been a serious part of my life for the last 6 1/2 years is just over. No more excitement over getting an Intended Parent's profile. No more medical screening trips, or transfer trips, and time spent meeting the parents and getting to know them, and falling in love with the idea of them finally becoming parents. No more anticipation after the transfer, and relief and excitement, and worry when the pregnancy test is positive. No more blood draws and ultrasounds to check on the peanuts, no more happy reports to send to the parents. No more 20 weeks ultrasounds with the parents visiting, often the first time they've gotten to see their baby in person. No more huge anticipation of the big day, where these parents who have tried, longed, and cried thinking this day would never come. And just like, in what seems like the snap of two fingers, it's just over.

Please don't misunderstand where I am coming from. I am not sad I do not have the baby I carried. I am not depressed, nor do I have post partum depression. I am completely happy with my own family, with my children and husband, and the other things in life that I have found enjoyment and happiness in. I am also not an attention getter. I like to keep things to myself when I don't feel well, and only complain when it becomes too much for me, and I feel like I'm going to lose it if I don't say something! lol A surrogate pregnancy often times comes with a little more attention than a pregnancy where I was carrying my own child. I had a lot more appointments especially in the first trimester, than a regular pregnancy would have had. I was usually in constant contact with my IP's, keeping them updated with the latest, and being asked how I was doing, and feeling, and if I needed anything. And then just like that, it is over.

I don't know if I am making any sense! It's totally okay that it is over! I did what I set out to do. Three separate families have been made complete by my ability and willingness to carry their child. But still, it's just over? One day I'm pregnant, the next day I am not.

But....I still look pregnant. There is no one carrying a car seat to explain the way I look. I walk into a grocery store, or starbucks, or my kids' extra curricular activity, but don't they know I just delivered a baby? Yeah, I'm buying overnight, extra long pads because I'm recovering from pushing a baby out! Yep, my breasts are rock hard because my body thinks it just had a baby and needs to provide nourishment for him or her. Sure am walking slow, and am tiring out easily, it's a process and I am slowly recovering.

Was the birth of your children life changing and something you will never forget?  Yep, mine too! But what I have found out, especially after this third and final time, is that it's still life changing and unforgettable even when the baby we are carrying isn't ours. That part doesn't change! My body will eventually recover. I will once and for all, lose the baby weight, the swelling will go down, I will no longer look pregnant, and people won't be asking me when I'm due anymore. But then what?

So how to reconcile that? How do we got from having such an impact on people's lives and doing something so great and fulfilling and rewarding, to just being done? How do I make that okay in my head? How do I got about life and leave this chapter of it where it is? To be honest, I am finding it to be a struggle. I am sure the post-partum hormones don't help one bit! One minute I want to cry for no reason at all, and the other, I'm so happy and grateful for my life and the people I have in it, including the parents of the babies I have carried, it feels like cloud 9! My hormones will eventually settle down and go back to normal, but what will always stay with me are my three journeys. I learned a lot about myself in these journeys. I've had wonderful support around me from family and friends, and I have even gained family members that were once strangers to me, but because of the child they have that shared my body at one time, they will always be extra special to me.

Thanks for reading!

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